Its been a long time since I cried. The last time I cried was probably 5 years ago when I cried due to some trivial reason. I cried today again. Why? I don’t know. But I did.
Maybe those were tears of disappointment or sorrow or maybe happiness, as people say. I don’t know. Because I can’t describe that feeling that came upon me. What I am conscious of, what I know is my lacrimal glands opening up their floodgates all of a sudden. Maybe I can guess the reason. Maybe I know, deep inside. I have been friendless for far too long. Nobody’s a friend. Nobody gives a damn for me, for what I feel and for what I am. Everyone is busy with their lives. My room-mate is busy talking to his girlfriend. Another of my study partners is out watching a movie with his girlfriend. There’s no one for me. Who gives a damn what I think? Who fucking cares for what I am, for what I feel? Fucking nobody.
And me? Trudging along, trying to sort out life. Nobody to look up to, nobody to consult.
Maybe I am being too selfish. No, I AM being selfish. Because others do have a life. Others do have work to do. They have their own lifestyle. They have got their beloved ones- boyfriend, girlfriend or others. Who has got time for a muddled up young fellow, who doesn’t know what he wants of life,who loves reading Harry Potter books rather than preparing for his pg entrance exams and likes to go quizzing to faraway places just for the heck of it (no, not the heck of it. The prize money is important!!!).
I am to blame for the situation I am in. No one else. I am in no position to blame anybody. But my tears? Who are they to blame? Well, they should come out once in a while, I say to myself, ignoring my inner self. And then, quite mechanically, I turn around and stretch my hand for the nearest book. Life will go on. Life has to go on. With me or without me.
Maybe those were tears of disappointment or sorrow or maybe happiness, as people say. I don’t know. Because I can’t describe that feeling that came upon me. What I am conscious of, what I know is my lacrimal glands opening up their floodgates all of a sudden. Maybe I can guess the reason. Maybe I know, deep inside. I have been friendless for far too long. Nobody’s a friend. Nobody gives a damn for me, for what I feel and for what I am. Everyone is busy with their lives. My room-mate is busy talking to his girlfriend. Another of my study partners is out watching a movie with his girlfriend. There’s no one for me. Who gives a damn what I think? Who fucking cares for what I am, for what I feel? Fucking nobody.
And me? Trudging along, trying to sort out life. Nobody to look up to, nobody to consult.
Maybe I am being too selfish. No, I AM being selfish. Because others do have a life. Others do have work to do. They have their own lifestyle. They have got their beloved ones- boyfriend, girlfriend or others. Who has got time for a muddled up young fellow, who doesn’t know what he wants of life,who loves reading Harry Potter books rather than preparing for his pg entrance exams and likes to go quizzing to faraway places just for the heck of it (no, not the heck of it. The prize money is important!!!).
I am to blame for the situation I am in. No one else. I am in no position to blame anybody. But my tears? Who are they to blame? Well, they should come out once in a while, I say to myself, ignoring my inner self. And then, quite mechanically, I turn around and stretch my hand for the nearest book. Life will go on. Life has to go on. With me or without me.
3 comments:
Yeah i guess everybody has this same urge to cry for some reason or other at some point of life. i know i do. sometimes its even some music that reminds me of something and before i know it...i am all in tears. i guess its good to cry at times. makes u feel a whole lot better sometimes. atleast it works for me. seems like u have been hit by the loneliness bug as well. but then u have got more important things to think for in life right now...like for ur Exams. and would like to wind up by saying that i loved reading ur blog and really hope u will write more stuff. and yeah the answer to that connection in ur orkut album is Lois Lane right???
sukanya
yes, boss, i can identify with what you feel...
i certainly do feel i would have been happier doing things other than memorising some signs and symptoms and other such crap.
but i think there are a lot of people who feel so in this profession. some may feel it more than others and some may feel it all the time and for some (like me) it feels like a terrible pop song i can't stop humming.
but then, in the country we live in, i feel, everyone is doing the wrong job. i understand that i (and you too, probably) may have been happier and more content doing something else but the promise of material comfort that coccoons us here would probably be absent.
i don't like my life here except for the few relationships i have forged, but i still don't have guts enough to chuck it all.
take it easy, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.
regards.
u think people with girlfriends dnt cry?????????????
a person surrounded my lots of frinds dsnt cry?...
thats d answer...
every1 has blues...some show it sum dnt...
iam very happy ,have a sweet gf,reliable frens,loving n caring parents,yet i cry(sumtimes!)...
n yes nw its time u prepare well fr ur pg exams...we knw u cn n u will... yo baby
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