Orkutism

I started by putting this up as Nepuism but I thought :'Why not give the due to whoever came up with it?'

This is what my today's fortune reads like in Orkut- the social networking site:

The guy who reads your fortune is on holiday. We don't know what to say… Go and visit someone's profile.

For the first time, i think they were truthful.

Virtual Rendezvous

The following text is "For Your Eyes Only'. This is Vinay writing at 'Vinay's Weblog'. 'Eureka'!!! 'Craps, Lies and Bullshit' has given way to 'Virtual Rendezvous'.

Over the last few months, this blog has been a way of speaking out for me, interacting with known and unknown friends, pulling legs and having a good time basically and getting to read some great stuff in between. 

So, when I came across a sub-section in my brother's blog titled 'Virtual Rendezvous', the name rankled in my brain. What an appropriate title! And then, keeping with the age old tradition of plagiarising stuff 'for the greater good' in this blog, I did what I had to do.  And the result is before you.

After all, whats in a name??? :)

The Adventures of S

Before we proceed, a small clarification: The S in this post doesn't bear any resemblance with the Ess in PP's blog. Any similarity, coincidence between ess and S can't exist because they are two different persons. And yes, the event(s) narrated below is/are true.

I chose the name S because of the following reasons:

1. His name starts with an S.

2. I loved  PP's story and am plagiarizing a small bit from his post (otherwise majaa nahi aata yaar!)

3. He is a year junior to me and a pain in the S. ;)

Well, the story starts one fine January day as I was walking back to my hostel room after another day of fooling around in the OPD trying to do as less work as possible and shifting the greater bulk to other's broad shoulders and skilled hands. I was dead tired (shirking work is really tiresome, if you don't believe me try it yourself) and my lumbering steps brought me towards the hospital exit. Thats where I saw S- all decked up in a glowing white apron and a black mustache, all set to take upon the hordes of patients that descend upon NEIGRIHMS every day. I waved a hand to him and his friend (that was A- his adventures may follow- specially his rendition of the song- 'Humko sirf tumse pyaar hai'- but thats for another time). Well, I turned to say a few words to a colleague who was passing by when I heard a big bang (that sets me thinking how big the 'Big Bang' really was if this was so big) and turned to see S stuck to the closed glass door of the exit (there are two of them), his nose pressed to one side and he about to fall down. Thankfully, he recovered enough to stand till we reached him and made him sit down and examine his wound and give him some water. I examined the glass later and found a spot there where his forehead had struck. That spot is still there and I can show you if you ever come visiting.

The story doesn't end here.

Another day. The very next day, to be exact.

I returned from the hospital (a bit earlier than the scheduled time) following my usual act, to find the usual gang sitting near the hostel entrance. They were laughing and joking. S was there too. On getting close, I noticed a plaster stuck upon his forehead on exactly the same spot where he got hit the other day. Taking an affront to my surgical capabilities (as I had pronounced him OK after the incident) I asked him whether I missed something and the bleeding occurred. He didn't answer, just gave a sheepish grin. It was Black (yes, the same old Black) who answered: 'Abbey! He again went and hit another glass door'. I laughed my way to my room. Even Duryodhan did that mistake only once!

That still doesn't end the story. There is more.

Taking cognition of the above mentioned damage to property being done by the dangerous Dr S, the hospital authorities decided, in a momentous meeting, to remove all glass doors, wherever possible and to replace the glass doors with BLACK wooden doors wherever they were needed.

That was the impact that S made in his first two days at the hospital. 

Stay tuned. Whenever he has another adventure, which may be quite soon, considering his expertise in this matter, I'll bring it to you.

The Right Balance

Every morning in Shillong, as I wake up and make my drowsy way towards the bathroom, a new adventure awaits me.

I was never a person who used to take bath in the mornings. That sort of was a taboo with me, more so in the winter months. To expose oneself to the biting chill and brave the cold wasn't my idea of a perfect start to the day. So, I generally put off my showers till the latter part of the day or early evenings. Now, with the provision of hot and cold water at one's disposal, taking a shower is no big deal, whatever time of the day or night it may be. So, considering my working hours, I made a habit of taking a shower in the morning hours.

My adventure starts with the turning of two knobs. Water rushes out of the shower and am left waiting with an outstretched arm gauzing the temperature of the falling water, waiting for it to reach the perfect temperature. By the time, the arm decides that the water is warm enough, the leg decides that it is too hot to tolerate. More turning of the knobs occur. The other arm stretches out, getting drenched and getting acclimatised to the chilling water turning hot. When it decides things to be in order, the face complains it is getting scorched. More knob twisting. The trunk now finds the water cold and protests with much gusto. Another twist here and another there and the trunk ceases its protest march. The hair protests in a unique way by coming out in clumps leaving me poorer by a dozen. By the time, I finish the shower, the unique and pleasing temperature is reached but not a single part was to avail its use as they were already done!

Life is like that only. Full of twisting and turning of knobs. And full of people who don't like the water at the temperature at which they get it. Full of complaints. Full of advice and suggestions. It is upto us to do the twisting and turning so that everyone is satisfied (hopefully!)

So, the next time I go to the bathroom, I see another new adventure looming large and I square myself and face it head on! Hope everyone does so.

Quizzically Speaking

Quiz buffs like me dont generally consider shows like 'Who wants to be a millionaire' and KBC as proper quizzes, but something is definitely better than nothing. What with a brilliant movie called Slumdog Millionaire being made based upon Q and A (literally!) and the questions being the part that pushed the story forward, and the movie ending up with awards galore, I am feeling quite generous today. Therefore, ladies and gentlemen, I present before you instances of quizzing in movies (mostly Hindi). Please do add to the list if such instances are in your minds.

1. Most quizzes are one to one. Here are some classic instances:

a) Q: Mere paas gaadi hai, bangla hai.... blah blah blah. Tumhare paas kya hai?

     A: Mere paas maaa hai.

b) Q: Fir kab miloge?

     A: Jab tum kahoge

     Q: Kaha?

     A: Wahi, jaha koi aata jaata nahi

     Q: Aadhi raat ko?

     A: Aadhi raat ko.    

  (all of it in a song)

c) Q: Pyaar hua iqraar hua, pyaar se fir kyun darta hai dil?

     A: Kehta hai dil, rasta mushkil, maloom nahi kaha manjil!

2. Some quizzes are in monologues. The same person asks the questions and then answers it himself. Sample this:

Q: Kyun chalti hai pawan? Kyun jhoome hai gagan?....????

A: Na tum jaano na hum

3. Some questions are really unanswerable. Mostly asked by the bad-at heart mothers-in-laws, buajis and all:

a) Q: Kiske saath muh kaala kar ke aayi hai?

    A: Main, woh, sob sob...

b) Q: Mere bete ko to kha gayi, ab aur kya satyanaash karegi?

    A: Gehri khamoshi and anguish in the eyes. Ah!

4. Supernatural quizzes. With God. 

Q: Bhagwaan, mere saath aisa kyun? Kyun? Kyun?

A: Bells ring, wind blows and miracles happen.

5. How can one forget the punchline- rather punch question that our brethren - the men in white-the doctors make?

Q: Hum ya to maa ko bacha sakenge ya bachche ko. Aap kise jinda rakhna chahte hain?

A: Most often it is the bachcha.

6. Even our Mr Perfectionist Aamir Khan once featured in a certain quiz show in a certain movie. I forgot the name (probably Afsana pyaar ka). He was representing his college at Delhi. We don't know whether he won or lost but he sure got some quality time to spend with the girl, saving her from the baddies and getting hitched. That keeps us quizzards' hopes alive. :)  

The question:

Q: Duniya ka sabse bada aashiq kaun hai?

a) Majnoo

b) Romeo

c) Raanjha

A: Main!!! 

Thanx Bollywood for keeping the tradition alive!!!

This one is courtesy PP. And the most famous one at that. Wonder how I missed it?

Q: Kitne aadmi the?

A: S...s...sardar do.

In God We Trust

Well, I don't. Being the opportunist that I am. I tend to use that supreme entity for my interests and inclinations. Passing an examination, getting out of tight situations and all such occasions invoked mighty prayers from the heart and the soul. At others, it was the same old nonchalance.

It was yesterday. A tired, lonely and overworked junior resident of the Department of Surgery was sleepily explaining to some relatives of a patient about the need for an operation and the formalities required. Suddenly, the daughter of the patient said: 'We trust you. We have given our father into your hands. In God we trust. For us, after Him, you are next'.

That was embarassing. I mumbled some nonsense about God and Doctors but that was inconsequential. Throughout the surgery, I was feeling sort of responsible for the old man and to his family. The surgery was uneventful (if you consider my sore neck and back as uneventful while assisting a surgeon two feet shorter than me!).

That incident proved something to me. That a feeling of trust and confidence, even if outwardly conveyed, binds you to what you are doing or trying. Maybe it also affects the outcome, but that is a different matter. Plus, it inculcates an added belief and purpose in you that you would not have thought existed.

I still am an opportunist. But I learnt something that day. I hope I'll remember it for the rest of my days and may everyone else be benefited by it...

Amen!

The Keyboard is mightier than the Sword

I was sick of psycho. And his bragging. He is a tad better looking than me. I admit that. And a bit more extrovert. And quite old too. But that didn't and doesn't give him a right to abuse me every single time he gets a chance (and that is quite often, i assure you :) ).

So, I was pleasantly (and unpleasantly too, to some extent) surprised when a single comment that originated from my rusty old keyboard resulted in the deletion of an entire post on his blog. I can understand the desire to be perfect in all respects and be admired and respected but there is much greater joy and pleasure in being imperfect and being loved and respected (and to admit one's mistakes too!). Thats why some guys tell me that they love me better than him! (They are scared of his brawny self and told me that in strictest confidence while he was in the loo, but I got good ears and wasn't drunk at that time). 

I rest my case!!!

No hard feelings mate!!! Nokia 1100 was and is Made for India! :)

Vinay Daktar???

 I recently watched a movie titled 'Billu Barber'. Or was it 'Billu'? Because I don't remember the words 'barber' in the title. Or its use in the whole movie a single time. And that was not due to the fact that a beautiful creature was sitting next to me ;).

Well, its becoming a trend nowadays. Words denoting professions are termed derogatory. Barbers don't want others to call them so (Hairstylists is the preferred word) and so do cobblers. Thats why the words 'hajaam', 'barber' and 'mochi' were muted out in the movies 'Billu' and 'Aaja Nach Le' respectively. I feel pity for the producers and the scriptwriters. If it is not allowed for a person to be related to his profession, what is the alternative? I personally asked a cobbler who visited our hostel once whether he considered the term 'mochi' derogatory or whether there was a better term for it. He replied ' Saab, agar mochi ko mochi nahi pukaroge toh kya pukaroge?' I was satisfied (with my shining shoes) and he too (with the money he made)! Then, who wasn't? The politicians, the leaders and the so called public spokespersons.

Well, I am scared now. I was planning a movie based on my life. Based on my story. With action, drama, emotion and everything the audience would wish for. Tentatively titled 'Vinay Daktar'. Now I am worried. What if the movie doesn't see through? What if someone objects to the use of the term 'daktar'? What if it is thought derogatory? What if they prefer the term 'lifesavers' better? Or maybe 'associated businessmen'? Seems a risky proposition. Any tentative producers out there????.........

A Bagful of Ideas!!!

With nothing much to do and free time at my disposal I went for a walk around the NEIGRIHMS campus (thats where I work, for those who don't know). A strong wind was about making it pleasant what with my layers of clothing and all. My carefully combed hair, in the hope of making me look slightly more handsome (I can visualize a certain 'Black' smirk and reaching for the comments link) was askew before I could sing the first lines of 'Jai Ho!'. I tried smoothing it a few times but soon realised the futility of my actions. So, I let it be thinking that whatever the wind did to my hair actually made me look better! And just when I thought the present look was good enough, the wind decided otherwise.

It has been the same with my mental state. My mind is full of a whirlwind of ideas that come and go, touch the subconscious and disappear, never to return. One or two, I have noted in my cellphone but the majority are lost. As one idea for a blog post materializes, it is quickly replaced by another- better or worse, I don't know. Thats the reason for my not posting- not a dearth of ideas rather an excess of them. 

Still, I'll try and hope to bore you to death. But some people die hard, don't they??? ;)

The Gentleman Within

Don't know why I am writing this post. Self publicity and self praise is always bad. I know that. Still, I am committing this mistake.

If I am not mistaken, I have been a gentleman all my life. Not impeccably dressed, mind you, but I never did find fault with the way I behaved, if I may say so myself. I was courteous to elders, relatives and acquaintances, tried to impart good advice to my juniors (both within and outside the family), and respected those who had to be respected. I had and have my own views and I do stick by them and I have no regrets too.

So, where did it all go wrong? Why? How? Just one day back, I had two of my brothers (non-familial, but emotionally the same, i assure you) saying thanks to me for being there, for guiding them, for winning 30 grand in a quiz show and trying to cheer me up by saying how much they loved me (better than a certain black person, who was luckily in the loo at the time :)). At that same instant, I had also the image of a little one cuddled snugly in my arms, smiling beautifully at the camera as if that moment was poised for etenity. Of course, it wasn't. For the same person was destroying my life with as much gusto as was possible...

Where did it all go wrong??? I had a talk with the elders of the family. Of course, being the well-bred and well-mannered kid that I am, I couldn't talk back. But that couln't hold back the tears at the end of the conversation. The anguish that was felt and the heartbreak that occurred.

Being a gentleman hurts, I assure you. You don't get to use all those choicest abuses that leap to your tongue everytime someone abuses you or your loved one. You can't beat up all those show-offs bothering everyone else on the street. You can't get drunk and go home (in case you got a home to go back to!!!). You can't do anything else the world does... Nothing, absolutely nothing...

And you smart and think, curse yourself and cry for being what the world thinks you are but which you can never be with all the hurt and the anguish within- a true gentleman.

Some lines

Just browsing through orkut and the thoughts collected in this pensieve of mine, i came across certain questions:

1. Why  'men are from mars and women from venus' when both are born, live and die on earth? 

2. Why are women referred to as the fairer sex? Does it mean that if a white male marries a black female, she will be referred to as belonging to the darker sex? Conversely, are males referred to as the darker sex?

3. Why do marriage counsellors use either vague or very sophisticated terms while discoursing on the subject? Do they think the females to be dumb and the males dumber still due to the female effect?

4. Why do ads show hundreds of beautiful, sexy and scantily clad women almost molesting a male who is using an AXE deo? Is it the axe effect? 

5. Why do the male and female protagonists almost always fall in love by the end of a Bollywood flick?

The list goes on and on... But a member of the fairer sex from Venus seems to be calling me. So...

(Inspired in part by the song 'socha hai' and the post 'socha hai'. The words however, are original) :)

SMS files

People can be really dumb sometimes.

I received the following message one day : "Hum tum ek kamre me band ho aur chabi kho jaaye, to tum kya karoge"?

I obviously replied: " Chabi dhoondoonga". :)

Taare Aasmaan Pe

My life is like that of Ishaan Awasthi. I have problems understanding things in life, have problems facing life itself and have problems in dealing with life. I have been taught that three times nine is twenty-seven but in real life three times nine is actually three! Yeah. And if you don't believe it, you are either naive or belong to the category that makes three times nine three.

I am dyslexic. Not to actual alphabets but to the alphabets that comprise the language called life. And sadly, there is no cure, no sympathy for this disease. And no Amir Khan posing as Ram Shankar Nikumbh either (quite an atypical name, don't you think? And we get plastered on even with fancy names. Life!!!)

For me, the stars are unreachable. Let alone being on the ground. Even looking at them hurts the eyes. But the real hurt is to the soul. Bruised, battered and defeated.

And anyway, don't the stars look good where they are? Unreachable, cool and inviting? It takes fire within to be a star. Sadly, the fire seems missing...