incoherent ramblings

i am feeling blue. but how can one feel blue? one should be seeing blue, isn't it? like the way one sees red. but seeing red is also not what it seems to mean. there are many things that are not what they seem to be and many things that are what they are. same with persons. i can't decide what i am. am i what i am or am i what i am not? who am i to decide? but who'll decide? i? you? someone else? what does it matter? what does anything matter? almost three decades of futile existence on this planet with nothing to show for it. maybe something- a few useless letters hanging in front or after my name. nothing more. what am i living for? what is anyone living for? is it even worth living??? i have seen people slogging it out all their lives. people grow up, get educated, get married, fuck (not necessarily in that order, u see i haven't lost my sense of humor), beget kids, worry about their education, their marriage and all that crap and then die. what was the use of living, if not to increase the population? why are we afraid to die? why does the image of charred bodies that the channels telecast in the name of live journalism make us shiver? after all, death is death. it may be violent or peaceful. ha ha . peaceful death!!! i always wondered why people cry when someone dies. i dont think i'll probably cry if someone i know dies. not at that instant probably. maybe later. maybe never. u know, i think i somehow don't have this ability to feel things. they appear in a detached way. i can't feel love, hatred, anger instinctively. these emotions occur because i am supposed to feel them. but why am i writing all this crap? it is crap that i am writing. still, probably some of my friends will read and sympathise with it. may be someone will even speculate :) (yeah PP, talking about u.. he he). oh yeah, and while i am in the mood let me thank my dedicated readers for sticking with me and all the shit i write. admittedly, they are my friends but it takes great courage even for friends to tolerate such ghastly stuff! so, where was i? yeah, crappy stuff. but who knows some people do like crap. the world is a strange place and there is no scarcity of weirdos, u know. and i am one of them. and if you are thinking that i am drunk while i am writing this, you may be right but you are assuredly wrong :). i take my writing seriously. though my masterpieces have been created in bouts of drunkenness. masterpieces??? i see you guys smirk. ah! you heard of a certain van gogh? sold only one painting in his life. so, long after i am dead, some fella will probably stumble upon my blog and say 'wow! thats some great stuff!' and the rest will be history. or the future. whatever. yesterday, i saw a programme where they were telling about the earnings of dead celebrities. while we have to earn our way through life, they are raking in the money even now. elvis presley, marilyn monroe, heath ledger. hmm. heath ledger. liked him as the joker. fucking awesome role. and his dialogue about the stray dogs- 'I am like a dog that chases after a car. I won't know what to do if I catch up.' Aren't we all???